Courage

My patriarchal blessing is filled with the admonition to be courageous. This has always puzzled me. Why would a suburban housewife in Salt Lake City need courage? The answer elluded me until I read this quote by Mary Anne Radmacher. Now I understand.

On those days that my head hits the pillow swimming with regrets (Did I hug him today? Was I really that selfish?) I have believed that I would be unable to rise again, to face myself in the mirror again, to try again. I have given up. I have have vowed to never put extend myself again. I have wished to stay in bed with the covers pulled up to my ears eternally. Knowing this, and knowing me better than I know myself my Father in Heaven endowed me with the gift of courage a.k.a. a tiny voice that says, "I will try again."

I am so grateful for the atonement, for second chances, for each day that I have to strive to be better than the day before.

Thanksgiving

Okay. So it wasn't exactly a Rockwell Thanksgiving. We ran out of gravy, our horseback ride turned into a crazy-woman diatribe on the dangers of large mammals (You could DIE!) and we had to watch the Smurf movie in 3D.

Parker was in fine form tonight and made several hilarious comments. Cassidy asked Parker, "So Parker, when we are all grown up are you going to let us have Thanksgiving at your house?" Parker replied, "Just because my middle name is Dennis does not mean that I am Dennis." Not five minutes later Grandma Macbeth asked, 'Is there anyone who wants to say the prayer today?" Parker immediately stuck his index finger to the tip of his nose and yelled, "Nose Goes!"

In spite of all of its quirks and qualms we were grateful. Grateful to be together, grateful for the laughter, grateful simply for the gift of time, time together. At scriptures tonight here is what my kids said they were grateful for:

Lexi: Family, the church, parents, people who care about me, food to eat and a house to live in

Parker: Agent bunnies (???Your guess is as good as mine), Jesus' resurrection, the church, his body, family

Kennedy: family, food, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, animals, and our house actually too

Abbi: family, moms and dads, cousins, Holly, and that we have a house and a nice warm bed and a family room and windows and light and computers, and the go fish game and warm blankets and snuggies and the bunnies.

Tom Turkey's Lesson in Humility

Ever had a moment, however small, where you thought you were going to be a fantastic mom? I have. I still do. I had one today. I saw a cute food craft in a magazine this week and decided that instead of wiling away our Sunday with Wii games and Disney movies we would do a craft. I used to do crafts all the time. I don't know why we stopped. I pulled out all the ingredients, made a big deal to my kids about how much fun we were going to have and began constructing Tom Turkey Cookies. Three of my kids wouldn't even participate in my crafty adventure. The other three? Yep, they pretty much looked like this:

After Lexi and Kennedy made two turkeys each they asked if they could be done. Parker made one turkey and switched to making tanks. That at least got a smile out him. I prepared for three days, we crafted for 5 minutes, and then I spent the next half an hour cleaning up. I think I remember why we don't do crafts anymore.

Happy 18th birthday Cassidy

Dear Cassidy, yesterday you turned 18 years old. In the eyes of the world this will make you legally an adult. You will have new choices to make, new paths to follow and dreams to catch in your net like butterflies passing on the wind. To the world you may be seen as an adult but to me you will always be my baby, my first love, my heart, my little girl, a beautiful young woman, a part
of me that no one can ever take away. From the moment you were given life until the end of time and evermore you will be my child. When I am 100 and you are 80 and we have forgotten in our old age who is the mother and who is the daughter I
will still be your mother and you will still be my baby. I was 20, not much older than you, when you entered my life physically. Before that, for nine months you had been a dream, a wish, a prayer, real yet still unreal, a whisper of the future, a physical part of my body, flesh of my flesh that can never be
undone. You are the reason I decided to grow up. You are the reason a girl became a woman. Not because I gave physical birth to you. Giving birth does not make you a woman or a momma. Please always remember that. If I have taught you anything this I have and I want you to never forget it. You will not completely
understand it until someday you have a child of your own. As a woman I understood the responsibility of having a child. I wanted to be the very best mother that had ever been or ever will be. I wanted to be the woman that taught you everything. I have always prayed I was an example of a woman that you could rise up and call blessed. Not for selfish reasons or pride but because I wanted to be a Godly example for you. I held you in my arms, tears streaming down my
cheeks, within moments of your birth. The entire world was shown to me in your tiny face. I even said to the doctor, "I am holding the entire world in my hands at this moment." I fell in love with you then and I am still in love with you now. Cassidy, God answers prayers. When you are at the end of your rope and feel you have no where to turn, please remember what I have tried so hard to teach you, God is always there. You are never alone. It is my prayer now that you will continue on the path we have traveled together. Lean on God for everything. Seek his will. He will never leave you. You have grown into a responsible, moral young woman who will someday be an awesome wife and mother. The man who wins your heart will have the greatest treasure known to mankind. I hope you choose well. We have often talked about this and I believe as I think you do, God has been preparing the perfect man for you. He has been grooming him all these years. Do not be in a hurry to get married and have children. In His perfect time the man of your dreams, the man worthy of you will come along. Please do not let him pass you by. Time passes quickly as we grow older but I remember as if it were just yesterday everything about you. Birth and crying all night.Tea parties and baby dolls. Dress-up and lipstick. School books and pony tails. Piano essons and school bus stops. Make-up and perfume. Sunday school and
summer camp. Salvation and baptism. Homeschool and baby sisters. Good times and
bad. We have been through them all together. We have so much more to do ogether. I am so sorry for things in the past. I want to thank you. Thank you
for being the most perfect daughter a parent could ask for. Thank you for being
the example of everything a sister should be. Your footsteps will be the guide
for your five younger siblings. During the times when we had nothing except each
other thank you for helping me. Thank you for digging in, for using up and
wearing out, without ever complaining. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for
being my daughter. I have often played this day out in my mind. What will I say
to you that will give you the confidence you need to take the step forward, away
from me and into your own world that you create. This is all I have ever been
able to think of: I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. I
love who you are. I love everything about you. As long as there is breath in me
I will be here for you. Never hesitate to come to me. Nothing you can ever say
will change my love for you. Perhaps we may not always agree. You have your own
life to create. Regardless of your choices I will always be here, waiting,
watching and loving you, just as I have every moment of your life, from your
very first breath. There is a poem that I have lived as my motto. Do you
remember it? Cleaning and Scrubbing Can wait till tomorrow For babies grow up We
learn to our sorrow. Settle down cobwebs, Dust go to sleep I'm rocking my baby
'Cause babies don't keep. Every word is truth. You didn't keep. You grew up.
What a beautiful moment I have been blessed to witness. My mother never
understood how or why I could leave dishes in the sink and laundry in the
basket, forgettting them so that I could play with you. She never understood how
a bed could be left unmade and the carpet not vacuumed every single day. I hope
when you have your own children you will remember those little words and you
will forget about your chores for the moment and spend those minutes sharing,
caring, loving your own children. Dishes can be washed and laundry can be folded
after little ones go to sleep. When the time is gone you can never get it back.
I hope you will never get so wrapped up in the details of living that you forget
how to live your life for every moment. So on today, this is my wish for you:
May you find the path that leads you to the life you want. May you find the
courage and the strength to create the world you want to live in. May you find
true love and happiness in one man who deserves you. May you have children who
rise up and call you blessed. Happy Birthday, my darling girl. Love, Momma

Family Photos...Finally

After six long years, a severe scolding from a family friend, and countless trips to the store to coordinate clothing I finally have new family pictures. I am so happy.

Parker the comedian

Without meaning to Parker can make everyone around him laugh, feel a little bit lighter, and enjoy their day just a little bit more. Perhaps it is this lack of effort that makes him funny. While we can't put our finger on just what it is about him that brightens our day here are a few examples:

1. We have been riding Trax to the hospital each day. While we ride Parker will sometimes plug his headphones into the ipad and watch a movie. Then he laughs. He laughs and laughs at every silly scene. Before long people are peering over their newspapers, looking up from their phones and smiling with him. His favorite movie right now is Despicable Me. He laughs the entire time. Lest you be picturing small turned up corners at the end of his mouth allow me to clarify. Parker belly laughs, loud and long with the appropriately adorable giggle thrown in for good measure. Soon a whole train car is smiling and their day is off to a better start than it was before Parker boarded.

2. Our family was playing Blurt, a game where one player reads a clue and the others try to "blurt" out the answer first. I drew the top card slowly and with lots of drama. The clue is...a day where children get dressed up and beg for candy. Parker jumps up and yells, "CHURCH" This one kills me

3. While standing on the side of the road waiting for a bus Parker said, "Mom, I think it's coming, you had better step back."

4. I frequently find myself patting my pockets on the front of my pants to ensure that I have my phone with me. I was walking out of the house one day patting my pockets when Parker asked, "Mom, is that your tic?"

Seriously, this kid kills me! I love him to pieces and feel so fortunate to have him in our family.

So Proud of Lexi

Lexi turned twelve this week. She is officially a young woman no longer to be referred to as a kid, munchkin, squirt, or baby girl. This has been a tough year for Lexi but she has been so brave and so eager to work out her problems that truly she reminds me of the apostle Paul when he said "Therefore I will most gladly rejoice in my afflictions. For when I am weak then am I strong"There have been alot of tears this year, alot of anger, a lot of fear. But at the end of it came one of the most joyous moments of my life. Lexi was just about to be discharged from the University of Utah Neuropschiatric Institute. Ever diligent to the changing moods of my newly medicated daughter I asked her therapist, Andrea, to check on Lexi's mood. We been warned that her new medication could make her manic. This is the last think that we wanted to happened and I worried about it constantly. An hour passed. Andrea and Lexi appeared from the therapy room. "Well," I asked, "is she going manic. Do we have to stop this medicine?" Andrea laughed and flashed her most heartwarming smile. "Kris, Lexi is not manic, she is HAPPY." Hmmm...happy. Is it possible that my little girl has been suffering for so long that I couldn't recognize her happy? The thought breaks my heart. Happy. Whoever could have imagined that this one word could be so elusive, so soughtafter, and yet so unregognizble when we finally obtain it? My eyes filled with tears (just as they are now) and my heart burned within my chest. Lexi had just recieved the greatest birthday present ever: the gift of happiness. And she gave it to herself through bravery, determination and perseverence.I am so proud of her. There are adults who seek their whole lives for what she has figured out by age 12. And so I repeat, she is no longer a kid. She is amazingly wise, special, beautiful young lady. And we, her family and friends, are blessed simply by her presence.